


Even if I lose myself

by Micha319



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: For safety, Hyungwon appears like 3 seconds, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Others are only mentioned, Self-Harm, confused, dying, it's all good, soon enough, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 08:50:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17895338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Micha319/pseuds/Micha319
Summary: He wouldn't let the same thing happened to Minhyuk again, so he swore he'd do anything even if it'd cost him his own life.





	Even if I lose myself

**Author's Note:**

> No plot.  
> I love Kihyuk.  
> But I'm feeling sad right now,  
> So I decided to post this.  
> Enjoy??

* * *

Minhyuk breathes out after a long run. He was on the verge on a mental breakdown and crying his eyes and heart out. There are just days where Minhyuk feels like crying, feeling down and all.  


 

He's usually a nice, kind hearted with generosity, mood maker among his group of friends. But sometimes, he seek for sadness. Because he doesn't see the point in living anymore.

 

He wanted to die as much he wanted to live. It ain't easy as it ain't hard.

 

He just kept brace walk until he stops and kneeled down on the cold ground, trying to wipe his tears are useless so je let it dripped down his cheeks and down on the cold hard floor. He know he shouldn't have done this. Especially since it would be bad for their group's, friends and family's reputation. Hell, he shouldn't have debut with them.

 

He entered Starship ent as a trainer because Hyungwon, his good friend in high school, was too shy to audition by himself. Hyungwon didn't have the courage so he joined and together, they became trainees.. And then a competition in no.mercy. And then.. Debuting.. As a group... He didn't know that it would get this far. But he did it anyway. Out of his luck, probably. That's what people say.

 

 

He had just got in a huge fight with the members and Kihyun gives him the most cold shoulder ever. Heck, even Hoseok, and Hyungwon. And Hyunwoo, the maknaes... Everyone. And it's all his fault. He could never be good enough for the group. Even the comments say so. But he often gets that anyway.

 

He feels his chest tightened and he couldn't breathe. Does the drugs finally took an effect in his body? Will he eventually die today? Finally?

 

Flashbacks kept happening. Bad ones as well. And it really hurts as much as Minhyuk wished he could die peacefully.

 

He took out a knife from his pocket and stabbed himself so that he no longer has to bear the pain.

 

It pained a lot. But it wouldn't last long until he'd passed out.

 

Just before he does, a person shadowed the boy with a mental breakdown. He looked up to see who it is but he feels.. Sleepy.. Very tired.. Everything is spinning and getting darker and darker.

 

"-Hyuk. Stay. -Please hold on, Hyukkie." Those words echoed through his ears and it makes him dizzy, more pain.

 

He closes his eyes and hoped to never have to open it ever again.

 

He sees black and hears a beeing sound. He couldn't see anything. Is he dead? Finally? Is this..-? Oh.. 

 

He has to open his eyes which blinds him by the sudden white, although when his eyes adjusts, the room he is in is well dimmed and the temperature is right as well. 

 

Where is he? Is this... Can't be heaven. He tried to move but he felt that there is something on his right hand, which has wires and tubes of some sort attached into his arms to a machine. Meanwhile his left hand feels a lot heavier. 

 

When he looked at it, a fluff is laying on the chair beside him, hands holding securely on Minhyuk's left hand with his head rested on the bed.

 

He tried to move it but it failed for the first few times. He tried calling for the person but failed. He tried not to panic just yet.

 

He moved his fingers and are finally able to move his wrist and muttered a word. A name.

 

"Ki-" His voice died before he could finish calling out his name.

 

The fluffs head finally jerked up and immediately turned his head to Minhyuk's direction. He stared for a few seconds for reassurance, wide eyes with tears forming, before he finally bit his lower lip and tears fell down his face. 

 

"Hyukkie-!" He stood up almost too quickly that it almost knocked the chair over to cupped Minhyuk's cheek with his palm while the other still not letting go of Minhyuk's left arm. "You're awake" He sobs as he buried his face in the neck of Minhyuk's. "Thank god- I-" his words hangs on his mouth as he choked on it while still crying his heart out. Minhyuk raised his right hand to put it behind Kihyun's back and rubs it softly. 

 

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes before Kihyun had broke the hug, trying to wipe his tears away and smiled. "How do you feel right now?"

 

"Normal, I guess. How long have I been out?" He tried to stay calm though he's not sure what happened before.

 

"Few weeks." answered Kihyun, smile falters from his face as he continues, "You refused to wake up, Hyukkie... I- I didn't know what to do anymore. I thought- I-"

 

"Ki, I'm fine. Don't cry." He smiled in reassurance.

 

"You have been out for almost 4 weeks and you're telling me not to cry? You don't know how hard it is for me everyday, receiving bad news and false hope. The members tried so hard to keep me out of this room even for a minute, but I couldn't. Because I was worried."

 

"I'm sorry, Ki.. How's the other member?"

 

"Hyungwon had just went out to get me some food while Changkyun went back to get me exhange clothings. The others are at work."

 

"How about you?"

 

"Well, I'm better now that you're awake. I took day offs from work. And basically this is my room for the past few days." When Kihyun said that, Minhyuk noticed that there are bags, pillows and blanket on the sofa.

 

"It mustn't have felt comfortable..." He felt bad Kihyun had to suffer like this but he didn't want this to happen. He was supposedly to be.. Off now. 

 

"It's worse at home anyway. Besides, saves electric and water bills. Right?" Kihyun said reassuringly.

 

"Saves bill fees your ass. Minhyukkie you're awake!!!" Says Hyungwon, suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Well, not exactly. He just got in with a paper bag in his hand which has food inside. "Kihyun, here's your dinner. Eat, please." He handed Kihyun the bag and proceeded to head over to the other side of Minhyuk's bed to give the elder a hug. "I'm so glad you are awake. I'm so worried and scared. We all are..." 

 

"Aw, Hyungwon. You really do love me" Joked Minhyuk. 

 

"Well, duh. We all do. Are you feeling alright?"

 

"Never better."

 

 "How long have you been awake?"

 

"Not long ago."

 

"I'll inform the doctor that you're awake. They may need to do a check up on you." He said before leaving the room. "I'll let the others know as well."

 

Minhyuk stared at the blank wall, which seems to be deep in thoughts. His smile were long gone and Kihyun may have an idea what he's thinking about.

 

_He regrets. That he's still alive._

 

A nurse and doctor came into the room and Kihyun and Hyungwon were asked to leave the room as they do a check up on Minhyuk. Once the members got out of work,  they all headed straight to the hospital to see Minhyuk. And after such a long time, they had a dinner together in the room. Exchanging stories about what happened while Minhyuk were away. 

 

Laughter- which they remained controlled as they are in the hospital,  cheers and smiles filled the room. But only Kihyun couldn't press a full smile on his face. 

 

Don't get him wrong, he is happy that Minhyuk is awake and alright and that he's able to discharge tomorrow but..  It's complicated. It's not easy when.. You saw your very best friend dying infront of you after running away.

 

The first night back home, Kihyun had stayed over. Which is nothing new. He dosent want to leave Minhyuk again.

 

A week later and Minhyuk is able to work again. He said he's fine. The stitches are healed too.

 

_But suddenly, Kihyun isn't._

 

They had a fight before the night Minhyuk ran away and stabbed himself. A fight they never had before. Couples of days before that, Kihyun has been giving Minhyuk a cold shoulder because of few dissagrements. But Minhyuk himself wasn't making sense either. Yet nobody knew the changes in Minhyuk. He failed. To see the pain the elder has. He regretted it. 

 

He had cried so much since the night Minhyuk stabbed himself. He thought that Minhyuk weren't able to survive. He had too, hurted himself because he felt like he deserved the punishment. Until he felt no more pain. He gave himself a time limit. If Minhyuk won't wake up, he would join him too.  

 

Luckily, he woke up. 

 

But to this day, he still cries. He isn't like Minhyuk who knows how not to cry or shoves any of those negative emotion away. He cries until he get tired and became sleepy. 

 

"Kihyun?" Minhyuk called as he got out of the shower and doesn't see any sign of Kihyun in the living room nor the other room. No, not in the kitchen as well. 

 

For days, Kihyun felt this pain in his chest grows stronger than before.

_No,_

  


_Minhyuk deserves someone better._

  


_Better than me._

  


_Someone who are able to take care of Minhyuk._

  


_How could you love somebody else when you dont even love yourself?_

  


_Minhyuk doesn't love me._

  


_He never would see me more than his best friend._

  


_If I were better, he wouldn't be like this....._

  


"Kihyun!" A voice that is way too familiar for Kihyun snapped him from out of his thoughts. "Ive been looking for you." Said Minhyuk. Turns out Kihyun is inside their props room which nobody really enters most of the time. Or at all. "What are you doing in here?"

 

"N-nothing." He rubbed his nose.

 

"Ki, you've been acting differently lately. Are you feeling alright?"

 

"Yeah. I'm good. Just tired from all the work." Their works got pilled up from those day offs.

 

"I'm sorry.. You took such a long break brcause of me.." He gently brushed Kihyun's long bangs to the side to see more of his face.

 

_Maybe if I do something he hates,_

_He'd leave me. Only me._

_And he doesn't have to feel the guilt of leaving me._

"Your bangs are getting long, you need a haircut." He kept brushing it but it just fells back down. That's when he stops trying.

 

When Kihyun suddenly bring his hand to cup Minhyuk's cheek. He didn't hesitate as he closed his eyes to lean in closer and pressed his lips onto Minhyuk's.

 

To his surprise, Minhyuk was only half shocked before he kisses back as he gripped onto Kihyuns hair lightly, making the shorter moan in pleasure.

 

Now, all he wanted is to protect him at all cost. He won't make the same mistake again.

 

Even if he'd lose himself.

 

Minhyuk would be alright.

 

That's all that matters to him.

**Author's Note:**

> It's 3am right now. The story might be a bit confusing since there aren't any plots in it, honestly, it's just an idea for other fics I which contains an actual plot and also chapters but I could never post them because I'm scared like what if it's lame???
> 
> Should I write part 2 for this though? Maybe to explain a little bit of what's going on/going to happen. But I need more ideas??? >.<


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